Stop 1: THE BAR
Upon entering the Camp Davey compound, visitors and their guests are herded towards a gigantic floating alcoholic vending machine featuring seventeen pools, thirty poolettes and an assortment of fountains (drinking and otherwise). The bar is open 24 hours a day and is stocked with an astounding 34,000 different spirits. It employs 3,000 llamas and goes by the proverbial nickname of “The Camp Davey Billiards Hall”. Other features include a laundry service, head-lice racing and celebrity boat races. Cheers!
Stop 2: THE ACCOMODATION ZONE
This is where you will be spending your time once safely secured inside the Camp Davey compound. As Davey is something of a recluse and is often called away on official business, you will mostly be left to your own devices. Cooking, eating and podiatry facilities are shared, and curfew is at 5.30 pm sharp, at which time you will be expected to be standing at attention outside your hut (see Stop 3, below). Please be considerate of your neighbours – you are sharing this space with 15,000 fellow-travellers who appreciate a bit of peace and quiet.
Stop 3: YOUR AUTHENTIC BUNGALOW
You will be responsible for the general maintenence of your bungalow, including the rectification of any electrical and plumbing faults. You will also be required to sweep and hose down all flat surfaces within a ten metre radius of your quarters. Look lively, the footpath inspector’s coming! Only joking, of course – you’re on holiday!
Stop 4: GENEROUSLY APPOINTED SUITES
Having brought your own linen, you will immediately set to appointing your own quarters. The suite pictured is a sample suite only. All Camp Davey suites are fitted with seven four-person bunk beds, and you can expect to be sharing wardrobe space with at least 250 others. Please feel free to bring along any items of sentimental value to yourself and your guests as you so desire, within reason. The Camp’s electricity generator is switched off at 6.30 precisely, so be sure to have torches handy when out after dark (which is, of course, breaking curfew).
Stop 5: CLOSE TO TRANSPORT
While other holiday destinations offer you a range of activities including snorkelling, scuba-diving, para-sailing, dugong-hugging, boogie-boarding and table tennis, at Camp Davey the emphasis is on simplicity. Watch the Fairstar Funship cruise past, or simply wait for your departure time, when your personal inflatable dinghy will arrive to escort you back to the mainland, some 550 nautical miles away. It’s that secluded.
Stop 6: STYLISH FITTINGS
Our Platinum Class members each receive a complimentary voucher from Barbara’s House & Garden upon arrival, along with a collection of Country Comfort and Flag Inn soaps and, finally, a personal hand-chamois by Letheric, makers of Panache.
Stop 7: NETWORKING THE DREAMNATION
At Camp Davey, we recognise that the so-called “digital divide” has left an entire generation stranded on an information desert island. That’s where “Networking the Dreamnation” comes in. For every thousand dollars spent at Camp Davey, Davey Dreamnation himself will donate one antiquated 386 PC, along with keyboard and mouse. In addition, children under the age of 3 years on or before January 1 2001 can access the Camp Davey Internet Cafe’s facilities absolutely free of charge.*
Stop 8: LAKE WITH KAYAKS
This lake and its authentic Japanese reflection area are strictly forbidden to Camp Davey guests. It is currently being dredged for an exciting oil exploration project. The lake contains high volumes of mercury, lead and Cherry Ripe.
Stop 9: DAVEY’S LEMONADE WATERFALL
One of the most remarkable features of Camp Davey is also its only natural one. Lemonade Waterfall is a natural effervescent spring gushing up out of the ground at a cool temperature of 3 degrees Celsius. Camp visitors must not drink from the waterfall. Bottled Camp Davey lemonade is available in your bungalow Koolgardie safe.**
Stop 10: A FARAWAY DAYDREAM …
Now that your complimentary dinghy is fast approaching, it’s time for an emu parade throughout the camp, in order to pick up and recycle any stray band-aids, drinking straws, plastic umbrellas or thongs. The toilet towers (not pictured) must also be fully sterilised and decontaminated, in time for the next tanker load of visitors.
Goodbye for now, and thank you for visiting Camp Davey!
Please come and stay again!
*NOTE: Normal surcharges and taxes apply to adults and children over the age of 3 years. The woman pictured above, for example, would be charged $35 per hour or part thereof for her Internet usage, plus holiday surcharges of 12.5% and a penalty surcharge of $3.50 for failing to inform Camp management that her child was in fact over the age of 3 years on 1 January 2001.
**NOTE: Your account will be debited at the end of your stay, after a thorough inspection of any remaining “unopened” bottles.