Cock & Football

cock & football! it's time to get up &
don't those horny roosters know it! 
cock & football! cock & football! around
the brown river bend here comes dawn's 
breaker rise & shine cock & football! cock 
& football! cock-a-doodle-do! it's morning 
once again & don't those poor hens know it! 
cock & football! your smoking pleasure! 
international! now available - via satellite 
in black & white and colour blasted straight
into your "loungeroom" with all the subtlety 
of a striptease on speed cock & football! cock 
& football! get out of bed reach for that cold
spoon & apply before rising cock & football!
world cup final! & a nice pair of legs to stare
at while shouting cock & football! time to get
up you frisky fat farangs cock & football!
cock & football! cock & football! cock & football!

			       fucking cockheads

Visit Laos Year

visit laos & bring your wheelbarrow
pretend this isn’t communism gone nuts
ignore the poorly-organised protesters
turn a blind eye to the fall of the wall
incarcerate yourself in a capitalist prison
you’re lucky to have been arrested here
now there’s nothing left between you &
the socialist state’s caring attitude towards
intellectuals & slogan-dodgers do not float
canldle-boats on the mekhong & don’t ask
why your demonstration was not reported
in the papers nobody noticed in this most
‘enigmatic’ of nation-building nations being
fucked-over by every major corporation on
earth makes this a stupendous destination
let’s hope visit laos year lasts forever

Tintin & the Plain of Jars

Nothing to report as usual save a badly bruised
rump boy the Lao sure know how to build a road!

as for the jeep well the driver was adamant that
i ride in the back for fear of bandits who as usual

failed to materialise (as did Captain Haddock –
having discovered the medicinal value of sang sam

whiskey okay I’ll see you in Phonsavan! i tried
shouting above a din of fighting cocks & MTV Asia

blistering fucking barnacles! he retorted hotly,
you truly expect me to risk my life for a couple of

cracked fucking jars? I’d sooner meet you in hell!)
well captain this sore arse is here to tell you that

Phonsavan wasn’t worth the trouble – but as for
the plain of jars itself I soon managed to shake off

my guide & was beginning to enjoy the serenity
of my solitude amongst these thousand year old

jars of mystery when I heard a muffled explosion
to the south (in the direction from which I’d come

being of course wary of landmines i took my time
getting back to the jeep but it was too late the poor

guide, i suppose alarmed at my giving him the slip
& in this plain of bombs had searched only to find

his left foot on top of a rusted metal disc & one
second later his entire body blown to the four

winds (what more could i do but commandeer
the old jeep & settle into the padded driver’s seat

for the long ride back to bangkok to await both
my drunken captain & his pointless expletives?

The Gums of Vientiane

standing at attention
a column of white gums
awaits its commander’s
final orders – over the top!
down the embankment!
secure all garden plots
& fish traps! then down
the mekhong we go –
all in a row sir yes sir
drowning at attention sir
ye loyal diggers /saplings
planted when? & for
what strange reason?
in dust-blown vientiane
in the service of her majesty
ye brave snow-white gums
form a levee – but for how
long can you hold back this
determined tide of change?


baht (t): thai unit of currency (in 1999 1 baht= AUD 0.25)
chao le (t): sea gypsies
chao phraya (t): the river that flows through bangkok
cock & football (l): a lao brand of rolling papers
farang (t): any western (read: white) person or tourist
karen (t): one of the indigenous hill tribes of northern thailand & burma
khob khun khrap (t): "thankyou very much"
kip (l): lao unit off currency (in 1999 AUD 1= 4000 kip)
soi (t & l): lane
stupa (t & l): pointed dome on buddhist temples
takraw (t): thailand's national game, a cross between beach volleyball & soccer
thanon (t & l): street
thao rai (t): "how much?"
tuk-tuk (t & l): small three-wheeled taxi
wat (t): a buddhist temple