Speaking from the D-Team tour bus, spokesperson and security expert Scaramouche confirmed that all seven of Davey’s gigs today have been sold out, with police erecting cordons and picket lines around venues in Camden, Islington, Brixton, SoHo, Kings Cross, Paddington and London Bridge.
“Yes, that is correct,” mused the indomitable llama, “Davey has really got his hands full today. I don’t think he’ll even have time to wander around the bookstores in Charing Cross Road. I know he’ll be most disappointed by that. He’s really a bibliophile at heart.”
Sources further away from the world dominating artist suggest that he may return to the UK in the spring, just to finish the bastards off. With the English leg of the tour lasting a mere three days, fans are also justifiably disappointed, and several riots have been reported in areas such as Sloan Square, Euston, Piccadilly and the St Pancras railway station, where Davey was yesterday rumoured (falsely) to be conducting a press conference.
British fans may have no alternative but to make the ardous two hour journey to Berlin, where Davey has planned a series of tributes to his heroes – Bowie, Cave, Reed and Steffi Graf – to coincide with his visit. Spokespersons for the various personages are understood to be overwhelmed that Davey would take the time out to pay homage to them.
“As far as Steffi’s concerned, it should be the other way around,” her spokesperson revealed this morning, German time. “There remains, however, the slight hitch that is Davey’s scurrlious comments regarding Andre Agassi, and his ridiculous request for a coaching session. Clearly, Davey’s meeting with Steffi may have to be private and brief.”
Meanwhile, Cave, Bowie and Reed have all announced that they will be returning to Berlin for the Dreamnation gala, to be conducted at a venue yet to be announced.