Fangrant

Australia needs more hairdressers, builders, bus drivers, electricians and fangs. The Prime Minister proposes that all migrants to Australia be provided with a clean set of fangs. The Opposition Leader goes one step further by suggesting that all short-term visitors on tourist visas be given a pair of candy teeth instead. Opinion polls put the two at each others’ throats. Fake blood is spilt. The press bays for more. Everyone loves a fight. Australia is growing more dependent on its fang exports. Of the world’s ten most deadly fangs, Australia has all of them. Children do not learn enough about the history of fangs in this country. Some intellectuals would have us subscribe to a black fang view of history, when the correct approach (of course) is to instill a sense of pride in Ausralian values by promoting a white fang view. A white fang view that is covered in blood, of either black or red persuasion. There are no fangs in Australia. Captain Cook discovered the fang. The Bali Nine were caught trying to import fangs into Australia. Skilled fangs remain welcome here. We reserve the right, however, to process refugee fangs offshore. The whole of north Australia has been excised under the Fang Protection Act in order to control this flood of fangs seeking to bite into our way of life, from the Fair Go to the concept of Aussie Fangship. More money was spent on the Royal Commission into the muder of Azaria Chamberlain by a dingo with fangs than on that into Black Deaths In Custody. Ask the people who live on Palm Island what they think about Police fangs. Peter Brock died, needlessly, while fanging about in a rally car. Steve Irwin should by all rights have been killed by a set of crocodile fangs but, amazingly, died at the tail of a sting ray. Sting rays do not possess fangs. Sting once wore fangs for a movie role. Delta Goodrem has a nice set of fangs. They’re fangtastic. I like to drink Fangta. It’s got the taste of true-blue-blood. The Cronulla riots, like the death of Peter Brock, were needless. They were caused by too much fanging-about in our restless young populations. If you don’t like the way we fang on here, then you can bloody well fang on somewhere else. Where the bloody hell are your fangs anyway? It’s almost un-Australian not to ask. Don Bradman honed his skills by throwing a golf-ball at his own fangs so that it would ricochet off Ned Kelly’s armour. Look where that got us. Fangs are almost extinct in the wild. We have preserved a few rare specimens for future generations in captivity. Fangs are a dying breed. It says so here in Fangrant.

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