After a short vacation in Mongolia with his pet llama Scaramouche, Davey Dreamnation wasted no time this morning getting stuck into his opponents, the music press, even his fans, in a characteristic outburst at Heathrow Airport.

Calling the British music press a bunch of “knaves” and his fans “losers”, Dreamnation signalled his intention to go for the jugular from now on, using his international website as a launching pad for raids on “truth, decency and Chris de Burgh.”

“It’s not a freaking blog, they’re for undergraduates,” Dreamnation seethed.

“All this ‘if you were a tree you would be an elm’, ‘today I thought about X and then threw up. I knew I shouldn’t have had that cheezel’, ‘if you were a Nik Kershaw song …’ blah blah. I mean, that idiot had more haircuts than hits.

“Blogging is for bed-wetters. My site is the real deal. You won’t find a more honest and stripped bare celebrity than me. Maybe that’s why I never show up on the most recently updated blogs - I’ve just transcended the form.

“Oh, and by the way, if I was a car, I’d be a Ford Telstar Ghia hatchback with racing stripes and digital instrumentation. Bite me.”