Upping the ante with his characteristic wit and subversive humour, pop star and promising songwriter Scaramouche today denied rumours that he is changing his name to Sea Biscuit. As previously reported on Tribesco, rumours were swirling around the D/DN compound this week suggesting that Scaramouche was tiring of his own name and personality. “Let me just say that that is completely untrue,” spat the llama at journalists gathered outside the compound gates in the hopes of getting some form of comment on the debacle, “I love my name, myself and everything related to me. I may not be a gifted flautist, but I’m quite shocked that Stung has taken this opportunity to bad mouth me in such a public way. In any case, if I was going to change my name, it wouldn’t be to “Chris”, “Sea Biscuit” or any other ludicrous name. I would only ever change it to Clint. But I’m not going to do that. Period. You can call me Scaramouche, Mouchie or Scar, but nothing else. End of story.” When asked about progress on his so-called “debut” album, the llama was quick to scurry back inside his tailor-made cage. Not even the offer of a lamington could coax the reclusive animal out of hiding.
Category: Davey Dreamnation (page 15 of 31)
Davey Dreamnation (not pictured) was conceived during the playing of a Genesis L.P. in April 2001. A legend in his own signature drawstring jarmies, a colossus of lo-fidelity, a harbinger of jitches and drum fills and ‘the Skylab of his generation’, Davey describes himself as an Australasian pirate who lives in the third person, and that’s good enough for us. Davey is apparently fluent in Esperanto and enjoys ice hockey and Joy Division. Read posts from the last five or ten years, then consider for a moment a world without Davey. Sad, isn’t it?
It seems that some things change, while others remain different. Rumours have begun to surface from Davey Dreamnation’s hi-tech Tribesco compound that his long-time companion, Esperanto translator and spokesllama, Scaramouche, is planning to change his name – to Sea Biscuit. “Well, you know what my position is on all of this,” seethed a suitably appalled Stung at a pre-arranged press conference this morning (Tribesco time), “I’m seething.” Angered that his press conference (where he was planning to promote his second album entitled Nothing Like the Stung) had been taken over by “idle gossip”, Stung then launched an attack on the animal for whom just last week he wrote two instrumentals. “I think that dumb animal has got it into his head that if he calls himself Sea Biscuit then he’ll get to be ridden by Toby Maguire. I suspect it’s the llama’s roundabout way of saying that he doesn’t appreciate me riding him around all day, which is fair enough. But frankly, who’d want to be taken for a ride by an actor like that? Yes I am seething, you can quote me on that. I’ll be meeting with Davey this afternoon to sort this bull carpet out once and for all. Either the llama goes, or I go.” Interested fans are invited to submit an alternative name for Scaramouche’s benefit below, in order to avoid such a calamity becoming reality.
In news just to hand, sources within Tribesco have confirmed that Davey Dreamnation, improbable rock star and marathon runner, will compete in the Athens Olympics, just days after Ian Thorpe took a dive for “my good friend.” Australian Olympic officials are said to be in a flurry over the superstar’s inclusion in the team. Meanwhile, Davey is said to be more interested in the colour of the team uniform. “I’ve just received mine in the post, and I have to say, it’s pretty depressing. I thought fawn went out of fashion years ago.” Dreamnation will compete in the three minute pop song, five minute power ballad and the extremely demanding ten minute instrumental events at the games, with the possibility that he will become the first artist in recorded music history to win three gold medals. “I think Davey’s just got to concentrate, keeop his eye on the plectrum,” stated Scaramouche at an impromptu press conference in the Edinburgh Gardens, “I mean, Chris de Burgh will be there representing France, and with Howard Jones singing for England, it might come down to a three man race. Sure, HoJo’s not very strong in the instrumental event, but I defy you to name anyone who will come close to him in the three minute category. Chris has got the power ballad sewn up, so really Davey’s only likely to get one gold, at most.” News that Ireland has chosen Bob Geldof to compete against the reformed Genesis in the group instrumental event has sent shockwaves through the UK music establishment, with the artist formerly known as the short guy in Bros seeking to shut Geldof down. The Corrs are also said to be challenging the legitimacy of Geldof’s selection. Meanwhile, Dreamnation emerged from his Tribesco bunker to announce that he will be accelerating his training schedule in order to prepare more seriously for his triumvirate of appearances. “He’s starting off slow, rehearsing the Pixies’ “Theme from Narc”, before moving on to Elton John’s “Song For Guy”. Who knows what will happen after that,” sniffed the llama.
In a sign that everything is returning to normal in the world, gifted flautist Stung has denied any involvement in group sex activities of any kind. “That’s just despicable,” spluttered Scaramouche today (Tribesco time) after being told of the allegations against his friend, producer and ghostwriter. “Stung has never ever even been invited to a swingers club. I’m not sure who’d have him.” The llama’s comments come on the eve of a major announcement from Davey Dreamnation, who has been keeping a relatively profile ever since the debacle that should have been his “Maple Lanes DP” EP. Sources closer to the now struggling artist admit that Davey’s failure to master the art of FTP has set back his career several seconds. “I think he’s planning a new album,” Scaramouche later admitted, “but I just can’t see how he’s going to top Islands In the Stream of Consciousness.”
I know that there’s a lot of trouble in this world, and a lot of people are under a great deal of stress, but sometimes I wonder why everyone has to be so tetchy with me all the time, especially during the festive season, which I love. I was receiving a tutorial in flute-playing from my good friend Stung last night, when all of a sudden he stormed out of the music room, shouting “You freaking llama, how am I supposed to teach you how to play the flute when I have to hold the damn thing and press the freaking buttons for you, while at the same time trying to get you to breathe out! I’ve had enough!” Now, certainly, Stung has a point, and my disability does weigh on my mind constantly. I mean, of course it’s hard for me to play the flute – I only have hooves to work with! For my mind, he could have said it a bit more nicely, that’s all. Is it too much to ask for people not to be mean to me? I wish you all a merry Christmas anyway: Stung, Pixel Mouse, Brad, Quito, Penny and, of course, my master and personal inspiration, Davey Dreamnation. Now, where did that Christmas hamper get to?