Camp Davey goes into lockdown—just three days after reopening

The grand reopening of Camp Davey has proven to be shortlived. The entire resort—once described as the most ‘untold’ experience ever—is now under lockdown.

Paige Turner, a spokeswoman for the D/DN Tourism Commission (DTC), confirmed the lockdown via email.

The closure began at midnight on Monday (Majorca time), just three days after the DTC recommenced selling tickets for the infamous Camp Davey Tour.

“The DTC has not taken this drastic decision lightly,” Ms Turner said via telephone. “But at this stage there is no suggestion of a viral outbreak on the island.”

“Rather, the issue seems to be that some of the staff enforcing quarantine have themselves been quarantined. To be specific, they’ve been barricaded inside a makeshift quarantine cell within the quarantine area.”

“It’s quite complicated,” she added.

Draconian measures suggest threat of pandemic is real

The terms of the lockdown were apparently dictated by Davey Dreamnation himself, whose whereabouts remain unknown.

The lockdown order consisted of one line of text:

“No-one will be permitted to leave Camp Davey for a period of 40 days”.

Camp Davey Lockdown Order, 23 March 2020

While there appear to be no restrictions on people entering the resort, the measure effectively amounts to a complete lockdown.

Camp Davey is located some 550 nautical miles off the Australian coast. With airlines, chinook operators and submariners all refusing to service the island amid the global coronavirus pandemic, the situation is grim.

“Yes, it’s quite worrying,” stated Ms Turner, who resides in Tribesco in inner-city Melbourne, while teleworking for the DTC.

“For example, we received a long list of additional measures that Mr Dreamnation wanted us to implement,” Turner continued.

“Some of them—including the stipulation that Islands in the Stream of Consciousness be played over the loudspeakers—were already in operation prior to the announcement of the lockdown.

“In fact, we’ve not been able to turn the blessed music off, so that’s been an additional challenge,” Turner admitted.

Other measures—including the closing of the Scaramouche Bar and Grill—have proven less controversial.

“I think we can all agree one one thing. Even the thought of that llama getting his hooves on our food was repulsive,” tweeted one visitor, who preferred to remain anonymous.

Staff and visitors in risky quarantine standoff

The sudden turnaround—which was leaked, once again, to journalists before being officially announced—has thrown the travel plans of dozens of visitors into disarray.

The first chinook-load of holidaymakers arrived on the weekend, and the chinook is currently reported to be stuck in quarantine.

As alluded to be Ms Turner, some of the staff enforcing quarantine have themselves also been quarantined within the quarantine area.

“We’ve received some information suggesting that a number of visitors were not happy with the lockdown. They appear to have taken matters into their own hands,” she said.

“This apparently involved subjecting the entire quarantine staff to quarantine. But the only way to do that was to create a mini-quarantine area within one of the Detoxantine™ Suites.”

“So, within that mini-quarantine area, they’ve introduced another quarantine cell, which is about the size of a small cupboard.”

“As far as we can tell, all of the quarantine staff remain trapped in that cupboard. The social distancing implications are unimaginable.”

Numerous Camp Davey icons under threat

The lockdown has also caused logistical headaches for staff attempting to herd nervous visitors through the resort’s 10 untold ‘zones’, including the Accommodation Zone, towards the Exit.

“Look, until all visitors have completely deloused in the Pool Bar, we can’t allow them anywhere near the Accommodation Zone. Let alone the Entertainment Precinct,” one staff member stated.

“I realize the water emits a weird odour, but that’s how it is. I swear, it’s like herding the cats from Cats in here.”

Other visitors have begun practicing extreme social distancing by hiding just below the surface of Davey’s Lemonade Waterfall.

“This is really not on,” warned the staff member, who refused to divulge their name or function.

“The Lemonade Waterfall is strictly off-limits. Once people start swimming in there, it destroys the delicate balance between the aerated lemonade and the random flavours injected by nature.”

“Upset that balance and you can kiss the World Heritage listings goodbye, is all I’m saying.”

“Do you see us drinking from the toilets? No? Well, don’t swim in the freaking waterfall. That’s my last word on the subject.”

“Oh, and screw you too, Scaramouche.”

Could this be the end of the road for the world’s most untold resort?

As reported on Saturday, the surprise announcement that Camp Davey was emerging from a decade of isolation shocked and confounded fans and critics alike.

“It really was too good to be true,” said Les Tombeaux, a Majorca-based journalist who has made a career out of stating the obvious.

“The first red flag for me was the whole Goulburn River Rampage thing. I knew, we all knew, that anyone who dared to go near that ride was going to regret it.”

“Turns out I was right all along.”

In response to sustained criticism, Ms Turner confirmed that the dilapidated ride would shortly be removed.

“We’ve listened, and now we have decided to act. I am pleased to announce that the Mangoplah-Cookardinia Wild Mouse will soon replace the Goulburn River Rampage.”

“However, the ride itself must first be subjected to quarantine. Given the current shortage of Camp Davey staff, this process could take months.”