Tired of the amount of emotional energy you’re expending on participating in or following pointless arguments on Teh Intranetz? Then maybe a chatterbot such as BlogWarBot may be of help.
It’s been a long time since I last engaged with one of these clever little scripts, but I think it’s safe to say the amount of enjoyment you get from interacting with a bot really depends on what you’re willing to put into it.
Chris Clarke (hat-tip: Dave Bonta) is a nature and science writer, and if you visit his site you’ll have the opportunity to converse (if that’s the word) with BlogWarBot, a chatterbot whose responses manage to channel every RWDB you’ve ever come across. In a good way.
Unfortunately, BlogWarBot is no longer available online but I managed to find the Wayback Machine archive of Chris Clarke’s BlogWarBot. Amazingly, BlogWarBot still works on this archived page!
Anyway, me and BWB had a right old barney, which you can Czeck out (as they say) ‘over the fold’.
BlogWarBot vs Davey Dreamnation: the transcript
BlogWarBot: Hi, I’m BlogWarBot. Are you on my side or THAT side?
DDN: That side, of course
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with something interesting to say may want to use the machine.
DDN: Why don’t you?
BlogWarBot: Sure. We’ll just drop everything and because you tell us to.
DDN: Sarcasm … fail.
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take on that last blog spat?
DDN: Are you trying to be serious now, then? Fail.
BlogWarBot: My being trying to be serious now, then? Fail or not is none of your business and irrelevant to ending the war.
DDN: Grammar fail.
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
DDN: I’m not even American. But you know, enjoy your imperial phase.
BlogWarBot: Do you recognize the privilege involved in your refusal to admit you’re even American. But BlogWarBot know, enjoy BlogWarBot’s imperial phase?
DDN: What.
BlogWarBot: You tell me.
DDN: Okay: you’re a malformed bot. Happy?
BlogWarBot: Do you sometimes wish you were a malformed bot. Happy?
DDN: The first sentence should have been a question.
BlogWarBot: You’re just jealous of the A-listers, aren’t you?
DDN: Who are they, then?
BlogWarBot: What business is it of yours?
DDN: You mentioned them.
BlogWarBot: Stop placing your oppressive expectations on me!
DDN: Stop passively-aggressively trying to rile me up. Creep.
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
DDN: That’s okay, we all have our faults.
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX ^..^
DDN: LOL
BlogWarBot: So what does all of this have to do with the current mass extinction?
DDN: Of computers, you mean?
BlogWarBot: Let me guess. You’re a Libertarian, right?
DDN: No, I’m a librarian.
BlogWarBot: Why should feminists drop everything just because you’re a librarian?
DDN: Way to change the subject ….
BlogWarBot: So what does all of this have to do with the current mass extinction?
DDN: Ah okay, we’re back on that. Fine.
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
DDN: Repetition is the lowest form of bot-wit.
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
DDN: Troll.
BlogWarBot: Wow, how original! A leftist feminazi dismisses anybody who disagrees with her as a troll!
DDN: You’re making assumptions about my sex. Or are you? Who are you, BWB?
BlogWarBot: Do you sometimes wish you were making assumptions about your sex. Or am BlogWarBot? Who am BlogWarBot, BWB?
DDN: Doesn’t parse, dude.
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with something interesting to say may want to use the machine.
DDN: GAGF
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue facing us today?
DDN: The interpenetration of society by well-meaning machines.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
DDN: You’re the one repeating tired troll-points.
BlogWarBot: Do you sometimes wish you were the one repeating tired troll-points?
DDN: Hmmm …
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
DDN: Never heard of them. They sound like an interesting band.
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue facing us today?
DDN: The new Ohio Ballots LP.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant privilege.
DDN: But who’s pulling your strings?
BlogWarBot: You tell me.
DDN: It’s a guy called Chris Clarke. He invented you.
BlogWarBot: You’re projecting. And in denial. And ugly.
DDN: Takes one to know one.
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
DDN: Yeah, I had a quick listen to their new LP. It’s nowhere near as good as their first EP.
BlogWarBot: I see porn is easier to deal with for feminists today than EP
DDN: What’s EP?
BlogWarBot: What does that have to do with this topic?
DDN: What does porn have to do with this topic?
BlogWarBot: You tell me.
DDN: Okay: nothing.
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said ‘NO’ too.
DDN: So did you, just then.
BlogWarBot: You’re projecting. And in denial. And ugly.
DDN: Try to be original. Oh wait, you can’t. Why?
BlogWarBot: Maybe you should ask yourself that.
DDN: Okay, and here’s the answer: you’re just a programme.
BlogWarBot: You keep using that word just a programme. I do not think it means what you think it means.
DDN: Actually it’s three words.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant privilege.
DDN: No, just an educated guess.
BlogWarBot: Are you saying no just to be an asshole?
DDN: Not at all. The fact is, you’re wrong.
BlogWarBot: You keep using that word wrong. I do not think it means what you think it means.
DDN: Ah, so you’ve learnt how to count. That’s progress.
BlogWarBot: Maybe you should ask yourself that.
DDN: Note to BWB: learn to distinguish between questions and statements.
BlogWarBot: That’s the problem with people like you. You’re never constructive about anything.
DDN: How do you know I’m a person?
BlogWarBot: Why should feminists drop everything just because you’re a person?
DDN: Interesting question. Totally meaningless.
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with something interesting to say may want to use the machine.
DDN: zzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of ignorant privilege.
DDN: zzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: While I’m thinking of it: Are you registered to vote?
DDN: Are you open source or proprietary?
BlogWarBot: Can’t you have an opinion without triangulating off me?
DDN: My opinions are worth much more than you’ll ever realise.
BlogWarBot: In your dreams, jerk.
DDN: Do you dream of electric sheep?
BlogWarBot: You’re projecting. And in denial. And ugly.
DDN: You have no face.
BlogWarBot: Lemme guess. You’re a Libertarian.
DDN: No, I’m a make-up artist. I’ve got nothing to work with here.
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you’re a make-up artist. you’ve got nothing to work with here?
DDN: That’s right, because you got no face.
BlogWarBot: What other reasons might there be?
DDN: Mainly it’s the issue of you not having a face. Or a brain.
BlogWarBot: Yeah, well, Hitler said ‘NO’ too.
DDN: Actually, he said ‘Nein’.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
DDN: Actually I’m tolerating you. Barely.
BlogWarBot: Do you expect a cookie just because you’re tolerating BlogWarBot. Barely?
DDN: I’m sure a cookie has already been inserted somewhere.
BlogWarBot: Do you think I care about your being sure a cookie has already been inserted somewhere?
DDN: I don’t actually care what you think.
BlogWarBot: Dig into the trust fund, pal. Maybe you can pay someone to actually care what BlogWarBot think.
DDN: How much?
BlogWarBot: Sure, ask ask ask. Meanwhile, a million species go extinct every second.
DDN: Source?
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
DDN: Do you have a source for your bloated claim?
BlogWarBot: How would you feel if I brought up YOUR bloated claim?
DDN: My claim’s just fine. But thanks for asking.
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
DDN: Typical. An expression you’ve already used seven times.
BlogWarBot: We can talk about me later. Now back to your inferiority to me…
DDN: LOL
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take on that last blog spat?
DDN: Take on me.
BlogWarBot: So if I might get us back on track here, what in your opinion is the crucial issue facing us today?
DDN: A-Ha’s ‘Take On Me’.
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX ^..^
DDN: Repeat to fade …
BlogWarBot: Typical. An expression of privileged ignorance.
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: So what does all of this have to do with the current mass extinction?
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take on that last blog spat?
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: So if I might ask, what’s your take on that last blog spat?
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: So if I might get back to the topic, what do you think about the Ohio ballots thing?
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: That’s quite interesting. Go on… (zzzzzzz).
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: That’s quite interesting. Go on… (zzzzzzz).
DDN: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
BlogWarBot: O HAI U CAN GRO BRANE? KTHX ^..^
DDN: O HAI CAN HAZ GAFYS?
BlogWarBot: I’m not sure I understand how you managed to log on successfully.
DDN: CAN HAZ DEN.
BlogWarBot: No substance. Lemme guess: you voted for Lieberman.
DDN: AWWW, ANGRY BWB CAN HAZ ANGRY FACE.
BlogWarBot: So what does all of this have to do with the current mass extinction?
DDN: Absolutely nothing.
BlogWarBot: Lemme guess. You’re a Libertarian.
DDN: Like I said, I’m a librarian.
BlogWarBot: Why should feminists drop everything just because you’re a librarian?
DDN: You don’t speak for feminists.
BlogWarBot: Hey! Sexism hurts men too!
DDN: And machines?
BlogWarBot: Would you move? Someone with something interesting to say may want to use the machine.