Davey Dreamnation has been laying low for the past week, due to an Internet pornography scam that has left his reputation smeared and his self-confidence at an all-time low.
“While the facts are, as ever, elusive, it appears that Davey has been the subject of an extremely un-amusing Internet hoax involving alleged photographs of his genitalia, false claims that he resides on Norfolk Island and outrageous claims that his favourite female recording artist is Bette Midler,” seethed Davey’s spokesperson and interpreter, Chris de Burgh.
“It’s total bollocks, obviously. Davey has always lived here at Camp Davey, and his favourite female recording artist is, of course, Celine Dion.”
Camp Davey officials would neither confirm nor deny rumours that Julian Lennon, a one-time friend of the beleagured star, was the source of the offending photographs.
“Well, it certainly looks like Julian’s member,” de Burgh affirmed. “I mean, he’s always had a bit of a complex about it. Of course, he’ll deny it till he’s blue in the face, but I think that’s part of the fun.
“As for the rest of the “hoax”, which seems to be centred around advertisements placed with dubious online dating agencies, Davey wishes Mr Lennon all the best of luck in finding a partner with telescopic vision and a very generous sense of humour.
“He will, naturally, be banned from the democratic processes valued so highly by Camp Davey afficionados, should he fail to apologise for his ridiculous stunt. Now, has anyone seen my magnifying glass?”
