As I look back on my extraordinary career, I sometimes wonder if it’s all been in vain. I mean, I’m not one to blow my own trumpet but if I could, I’d certainly be blowing it every day. It seems, however, that no one else feels confident enough in themselves to ask if they could blow my trumpet instead. I used to love the time I spent alone with my trumpet, polishing it with Brasso, cleaning it lovingly in the bath like a newborn baby, oiling its pistons, emptying the build-up of saliva from its valves. Blowing my trumpet just after it has been cleaned remains one of life’s unique pleasures. I could blow all day. I used to play the theme tune from Dallas, then Rocky. Usually I tired of these tedious tunes pretty quickly but this was okay because it would give me a chance to move onto more exciting compositions, including a number I myself had come up with. Blowing notes through a big silver trumpet and then listening to the results using my finely-attuned ears remains one of life’s strange and eerie pleasures. It’s like I’m a bat. Or an elf. Do elves play trumpets, or do they just blow? I’d love an elf to blow my trumpet for me. I’d like to see an elf and a bat blowing trumpets all day long. I’d like to write a composition for two trumpets, played by two elves and three bats. The details escape me but the big concept remains one of life’s tremendous build-ups of pleasure, the satisfaction of which only comes when I blow long and hard. Better still, I’d like to see an elf blowing a bat’s flugel horn, lowingly and keen. Do cats blow? They certainly do. Just ask Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Category: Clint Bo Dean (page 2 of 5)
Clint Bo Dean, the world’s most private poet, possesses Australasia’s worst wig and proudly maintains that his influences include Enya, Stevie Nicks, Andrew Lloyd Webber, Chris de Burgh, Elton John, Arcadia, Cat Stevens, Noiseworks, Boom Crash Opera, Big Pig, Wa Wa Nee and Stryper. Perhaps unsurprisingly, Clint was born under the influence of narcotics in the Bahamas in 2004. Despite his penchant for interpretative dance, Clint has so far failed in his stated career aim of joining the Bolshoi Ballet. He spends most of his time penning ridiculously grandiose orchestral arrangements for two flugel horns and one triangle. Clint’s debut DNRC single, Private Poet, was judged a form of torture by the International Criminal Court and subsequently banned from use in Australasian jails. His breakthrough album, Never Go Ashtray, violated several international whaling protocols.
The fingerprints of Clint Bo Dean are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
There are more than two hundred different kinds of Clint Bo Dean.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas have 14, and Clint Bo Dean has 7.
While performing her duties as queen, Cleopatra sometimes dressed up as Clint Bo Dean.
In 1982 Time Magazine named Clint Bo Dean its ‘Man of the Year’.
Until the 1960s, Clint Bo Dean was not allowed to enter Disneyland.
Ancient Chinese artists would never paint pictures of Clint Bo Dean.
If a snake is born with two heads, the heads will fight over who gets Clint Bo Dean!
Clint Bo Dean has four noses.
The condom – originally made from Clint Bo Dean – was invented in the early 1500s.
Seeing as I’ve been tagged by that talented flautist Richard Watts, I’d better get myself away from the synthesiser for a few moments and try to come up with something meaningful to share with my legionnaires of fans.
1) I was totally deaf for a year when I was four years old. I have spent the rest of my life terrified of going deaf again, because it would mean that I could no longer listen to music. Oh, and conversations and stuff.
2) One of the only sounds I could hear during that time was my own pulse and heartbeat. Since then I have always wanted to be a drummer but only if I am allowed to drum in heart time (not quite the same as hammer time but close).
3) I once kissed a girl who had braces and it was one of the most erotic experiences of my adolescence. I then decided I needed to get out more.
4) During my final year at school I listened to Enya’s magnificently barmy debut album Watermark non-stop. It was one of the few things that got me through that painful time. I was misunderstood, clearly, and continue to be.
5) I also taped myself reading Emily Dickinson and William Blake, and then went to sleep each night with my Walkman (pre iClint) turned up full bore. I gunned English.
6) Penguins are my favourite animals because they look after each other, and stand in a huge circle in the cold, taking turns being on the outside. Plus, the males sit on the egg while the mum goes out looking for food. Apparently. They are so cute that I think my second album will be a penguin opera.
7) My first album is going to be called Never Go Ashtray.
8) I like to wear womens’ clothing and have a penchant for make-up because my younger sisters often used me as a model for their experiments.
9) I find long lists hard to write because sometimes the strain on my writsts makes it hard to go back to the synthesiser, which is where I prefer to compose my music, most of the time.
10) Sometimes I wish I had an older brother and often seek the company of older males for this reason.
11) Most of all I wish I was able to rollerskate.
12) I can’t stand the sound of someone else chewing food. Bubblegum seems to be okay though.
13) I enjoy mead.
14) I like girls who have the librarian look. I can’t really explain it but it floors me every time. I do spend a lot of time in libraries. Perhaps too much time (see 3, above).
15) Some people think I’m crazy. I object.
16) I love how cats like to walk on top of doonas, even when there is someone under the doona, taking tiny steps that they think the person won’t notice. I also love Cats.
17) If I ever became a father, how could I continue to live as an adult in the outside world?
18) I hate Chucky.
19) Michael J Fox.
20) Only half of the above is actually true.
I am proud to say that Stevie Nicks has long been an influence on my recordings, hairstyles and genetic make-up. I was immensely happy when she finally left those bogans in Fleetwood Mac and embarked on her simply astonishing (not to mention moving) solo career. I was, however, gutted to learn that I will miss Stevie’s concert in Australia during the Melbourne Cup. It is like someone has drilled a hole in my head and filled it with Clag glue.
My only consolation has been to pore endlessly over Stevie’s superbly-designed and highly-evocative international web portal. Today I could bear the tension no longer. I submitted a question to Stevie’s Ask Stevie forum. The question goes like this:
My name is Clint Bo Dean, I am an Australian singer on tour in Asia – I have heard that you will be visiting Australia later this year but will be unable to attend your concert. Is there any chance that you will come back to Australia again? Also, how do you get your hair to look so good?
Best wishes,
Clint
I will of course let you know if and when (when!) I hear from Stevie. For the moment I must be satisfied with the following note, which Stevie wrote to some guy called “John”. I actually prefer it to Enya’s so-called “hand-written” note to her fans. It’s not a patch, however, on my custom-designed signature, which you can view on this website any time you like.
Until I live to see the Seven Wonders – yours in dreams.
During a recent gruelling brainstorming session for the track listing on my debut album, I hit upon an incredible invention: the iClint™, a personal music system for the discerning music fan.
Composed of a cassette player that doubles as a mask to wear either to masquerade balls or to the opening night of any of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s musicals, the iClint™ comes fully equipped with an authentic CBD wig, a microphone for extra interaction, a necklace, a pair of headphones courtesy of British Airways, a power source that doubles as a drink dispenser, two complimentary wristbands and an optional fake Pat Cash checkerboard headband as well.
I am currently negotiating the worldwide rights for this machine, which will only play my albums. I expect however that units should begin to hit the shelves sometime after the release of Never Go Ashtray, now scheduled for 2008.
By then, the hype over these so-called ‘digital music players’ should have calmed down and people will be ready to return to the good old days of fan loyalty. I mean, who wouldn’t be into wearing an iClint™ out to the theatre?
Please direct any inquiries either to myself or to Eyna, via her international web portal.
Also, please respect my copyright – I have slaved long and hard to produce this iClint™ prototype, which is naturally in full working order.
iClint™.