For all the doubters who cast nasturtiums on my ability to grow a beard, new evidence has emerged in the form of archival photos and painful memories. Please, consider these first impressions of beard, taken whilst freezing my arse off in Sapporo, Japan. Given my albino skin colour, the presence of bed-hair in these shots and the location of the “shoot” inside a dormitory room in a hostel, I think it’s fair to say that my beard-modelling career is officially dead in the water.

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