Love Dumpling

Welcome. Love dumpling instructions. Filled with kind of oil that rips layer of skin off tongue. Loved by thousands, admired and emulated by millions more. Comes in set of fifteen, complete with complimentary broth and beans. May induce giggles in bystanders, celebrity chefs and fellow customers. Should be eaten with chopstick, small spoon and bravery. First, take love dumpling in mouth and gently break. Slowly (slowly!) drain out hot oil. Allow dumpling to cool. Add spice as desired. Attack dumpling. Do not allow dumpling to fall into broth. Dismember when necessary. Smother with chilli to discourage mischief. Chew dumpling as many times as possible before swallowing. Swallow. Proceed to next dumpling. Ignore crowd gathered by table. Ask for more dumplings. Signal with spoon towards bowl of broth. Laugh when necessary. Wipe dumpling oil and broth from face with napkin if required. Keep head down. Attack. Dumpling will offer some resistance. Use more chopsticks. Drown in hot oil. Remove mysterious fragment of flying dumpling from face or top of head. Frown at person sitting opposite. Hide evidence under table. Ignore small dog. Signal for more dumplings. Eye steaming basket warily. Choose moment wisely. Take off lid. Stab dumpling brutally and without feeling. Using formidable glassy-eyed stare, reduce dumpling to state of submission. Eat dumpling. Proceed. Honour memory of dumpling. Return napkin to empty bowl. Wipe sweat and more mysterious flying dumpling fragments from face. Stare again at companion. Subtly throw piece of dumpling at companion’s head. Do not display emotion. If unsuccessful in striking target, plan final revenge carefully. Pay for dumplings. Make as if to leave establishment. Walk behind companion. Signal for one more dumpling. Pretend dumpling is an egg. Crack dumpling on head of companion. Run very quickly to rendezvous point. Laugh. End of love dumpling instructions. Have nice day.

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