the night i met beck

at home nightclub they searched my cigarettes for drugs lucky they didn’t check my brain coz i was high on life man on the inside we climbed these stairs to the chill-out lounge & i was sitting with my sister at this coke-stained table when what do you know but along comes beck looking sheepish in a wolf-whistling kind of way do yah mind if ah join ye he says in this british accent you’re beck i said no ah’m not ah’m from leeds says beck ah that explains it i say humouring him you’re undercover tonight yeah i get it no worries man no need to explain your secret’s safe with us no really ah am from leeds beck says okay then i say have you heard of the wedding present? they’re a great band from leeds nowt sure he says maybe a little before your time eh beck? now listen beck says you guys are really great & excellent to talk to but nought’s enough ah’m going back to join mah mates also from leeds eh beck i taunted him that’s obvious see you later then i had to laugh he must have been on the disco biscuits coz he was back in a flash hi beck i said fancy a red bull thanks eh you guys are really great beck says hey no problems i say i really love your early work that version of rock me amadeus couldn’t have come from leeds you know mtv made me want to smoke crack too beck until i saw you tonight & realised that due to this establishment’s strict drugs policy you’ve probably taken yours already okay beck says finally you’re right i am beck & this has all been an elaborate joke for the benefit of my friends no don’t look they still think it’s a joke you know i said you almost convinced me with that leeds accent but now you’ve admitted who you really are i thank you for your honesty to tell you the truth he says i’m so smashed i thought you were sting so i belted him one no ah’m not ah’m from leeds i said & mah name’s david oh right sure sting says beck & ah’m the fooking police!

(first published in Going Down Swinging 2001)

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