Revealed: the five quasi-celebrities trapped inside Camp Davey

Number 4 is a bald-faced lie.

D/DN officials stunned the world today by announcing that at least five ‘quasi-celebrities’ are among those currently trapped inside the Camp Davey compound.

Dispensing with the usual leaks to Majorca-based journalists, the D/DN Tourism Commission (DTC) further revealed that at least one of the quasi-celebrities is in fact not a celebrity at all.

“Look, this is the first I’m hearing of this, too,” admitted a tired-sounding Paige Turner, the official spokeswoman for Davey Dreamnation.

“Let me get back to you once I’ve read the press release,” she added.

Follow-up calls, emails, texts and friend requests sent to Ms Turner remained unanswered as of deadline this evening.

Quasi-celebrities confirmed—but not named

Camp Davey, which reopened to tourists on 21 March, was shut down just three days later due to a “complicated” quarantine stand-off.

So far, no cases of Covid-19 have been confirmed in the world’s most untold resort.

However, as a precaution, all residents and visitors have been placed in lockdown. Meanwhile, a media blackout makes it difficult to determine who is where—and why.

According to the DTC statement, which was issued via MySpace at noon today, the ‘quasi-celebrities’ are currently trapped inside a Detoxantine™ Suite, along with several D/DN quarantine staff.

Worryingly, the statement fails to mention the names of the celebrities, claiming that this specific information is itself “subject to quarantine”.

It remains possible that the quasi-celebrities ended up in the Quarantine area after a mix-up at the Camp Davey Upgrade Desk. Photo by CDC on Unsplash.

In fact, the press release contains no contact information of any kind, referring inquiries instead to the World Health Organization.

Furthermore, while the DTC does not define the term ‘quasi-celebrity’, it is understood to refer to recording artists who have released—or plan to release in the future—their music via DNRC Records.

“That’s right,” confirmed Les Tombeaux, who was also caught off-guard by the announcement, despite having spent the best part of two years planning the ‘authorised’ biography of Davey Dreamnation.

“Hang on, what was the question?”

Speculation runs rampant

In the absence of official information regarding the celebrities’ names and health status, speculation in the music industry has been running rampant.

“This is almost as crazy as that time Scaramouche got stuck in a 3-D viewer,” Tombeaux continued.

“Although, it must be said the current situation is of course much more serious. I mean, we know already that Scaramouche himself is in lockdown.”

“It’s no laughing matter.”

A number of rumours relate to the cryptic nature of the DTC statement, which indicates that only four of the five quasi-celebrities are actually celebrities.

“So, we could be talking about well-known artists such as Stung, Eyna and Christy Burr, all of whom have released music via DNRC Records,” Tombeaux continued.

“That’s three quasi-celebrities, right there.”

“But there’s also a chance that the statement is referring to ‘outsider’ artists like Elrond John or Rustle Crough, both of whom are rumoured to have been the subject of some pretty crazy bidding wars.”

“However, given that I created the character of Elrond John myself, I think we can say with some certainty that he is not currently stuck inside Camp Davey.”

“The only thing that’s not clear to me is how much Rustle Crough might have been willing to pay to have his music put out by DNRC Records,” Tombeaux added.


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