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Scaramouche found alive and well in a cave in the Goulburn Valley

In a possible sign that megalomaniac musical artiste Davey Dreamnation is set to rise from his post-DNRC slumber, news agencies are today reporting that the chanteuse’s long-time collaborator and manager, the incorrigible Scaramouche, has been found alive and well in a cave in the Goulburn Valley, despite rumours that he had suffered a fatal quiche lorraine overdose somewhere.

Back in 2030, the llama’s ‘swansong’ album (also entitled Quiche Lorraine) failed to chart, even in Majorca, where fans of Scaramouche number in the high tens.

Despite this apparent lack of interest in said llama’s soaring and angelic melodies (witness “Scaramouche’s Theme”, a pant-ripping, adrenaline-soaked anthem if ever you’ve heard one), international web-portal I Ate a Bee reported late last night (Majorca time) that Scaramouche is indeed ‘back on the radar’, and has now discovered a new way to communicate with the world, having been previously restricted to Esperanto.

The llama’s first message, delivered to journalists gathered at the Camp Davey compound, though slightly shocking, signals that he has now gotten over his life-threatening quiche lorraine addiction, and has reverted to one of his previous predilections:

Gimme a fucking neenish tart

While unavailable for comment, Davey Dreamnation is reported to be preparing an official statement, after watching Scaramouche’s rescue on closed-circuit television from within the comfortable environs of his Camp Davey bunker.

From the archives: Stung’s infamous [D/DN] testimonial …

Never a stranger to adventure either in realms of soul or song, Davey Dreamnation – performer, chanteuse, character, chameleon and social commentator rolled into one jump suit – has been having a year of new beginnings. In many ways, Davey’s life has been completely transformed. While Sting is sixty years old, for example, Davey has just turned 15.

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Stop that press – RPL finally released!!!

In a victory for animal rights lovers everywhere, Davey Dreamnation has taken out an injunction against his former llama and interpreter Scaramouche, in a move to block the release of “Scaramouche’s Theme” as part of his triumphant return to form, the trail-blazing Recognition of Prior Learning. Tribesco sources have confirmed that the “barnstorming” album is now available, after weeks, nay, years of inactivity on [d/dn]’s once flourishing international web portal. With listener interest increasing exponentially over the past few days, all is set for an exhilirating countdown to the next batch of mp3.com.au download statistics, due Wednesday (Tribesco time). Davey Dreamnation remains quietly confident that his position (currently #8) will rise even more dramatically, now that the album itself has been fully released. “You have to understand that this record was born out of extreme frustration, and there are a great deal of political references in the lyrics of the songs. Which makes it a shame that Davey hasn’t released the lyrics online, as the words in many of these songs are unintelligible. Take “Dim Stars 2″, for example. I have no idea what that’s about at all,” admitted a sad and disconsolate Stung, upon learning that Davey’s new album has risen further on the charts in the last ten seconds than Nothing Like the Stung did in the past two years. “That being said, and despite the woeful recording techniques employed on this release, I salute my good friend and collaborator. He’s finally booted that freaking llama out of the band, which should make it easier for me to score some co-writing credits.” Scaramouche himself confirmed the split, whilst smoking a cigarette outside his tailor made cage, which has now been cleaned out of straw, carrots and quiche lorraine. “It’s very sad but unfortunately, there was no room left on the album for my delightful and melodious theme song. By extension, that means there’s no room left for me here in Tribesco any more either. I am deeply distressed by what has happened in the last 24 minutes. All I can say is, if they’re doing animal research, they should at least make the effort to ask me to sign a consent form. I can speak, after all, and only just recently Stung made me a pen holder which I have attached to my front left hoof, enabling me to sign documents and write down my lyrics and poetry. I guess I’ll have to give it back now. That freaking Sting strap-on says it’s his intellectual property. Sniff. Well, I guess he’s right. Good bye everyone, and thanks for all the ham rolls. No, I couldn’t possibly eat pressed chicken meat, not today.”

Scaramouche denies name change rumours

Upping the ante with his characteristic wit and subversive humour, pop star and promising songwriter Scaramouche today denied rumours that he is changing his name to Sea Biscuit. As previously reported on Tribesco, rumours were swirling around the D/DN compound this week suggesting that Scaramouche was tiring of his own name and personality. “Let me just say that that is completely untrue,” spat the llama at journalists gathered outside the compound gates in the hopes of getting some form of comment on the debacle, “I love my name, myself and everything related to me. I may not be a gifted flautist, but I’m quite shocked that Stung has taken this opportunity to bad mouth me in such a public way. In any case, if I was going to change my name, it wouldn’t be to “Chris”, “Sea Biscuit” or any other ludicrous name. I would only ever change it to Clint. But I’m not going to do that. Period. You can call me Scaramouche, Mouchie or Scar, but nothing else. End of story.” When asked about progress on his so-called “debut” album, the llama was quick to scurry back inside his tailor-made cage. Not even the offer of a lamington could coax the reclusive animal out of hiding.

Scaramouche in shock name change rumour

It seems that some things change, while others remain different. Rumours have begun to surface from Davey Dreamnation’s hi-tech Tribesco compound that his long-time companion, Esperanto translator and spokesllama, Scaramouche, is planning to change his name – to Sea Biscuit. “Well, you know what my position is on all of this,” seethed a suitably appalled Stung at a pre-arranged press conference this morning (Tribesco time), “I’m seething.” Angered that his press conference (where he was planning to promote his second album entitled Nothing Like the Stung) had been taken over by “idle gossip”, Stung then launched an attack on the animal for whom just last week he wrote two instrumentals. “I think that dumb animal has got it into his head that if he calls himself Sea Biscuit then he’ll get to be ridden by Toby Maguire. I suspect it’s the llama’s roundabout way of saying that he doesn’t appreciate me riding him around all day, which is fair enough. But frankly, who’d want to be taken for a ride by an actor like that? Yes I am seething, you can quote me on that. I’ll be meeting with Davey this afternoon to sort this bull carpet out once and for all. Either the llama goes, or I go.” Interested fans are invited to submit an alternative name for Scaramouche’s benefit below, in order to avoid such a calamity becoming reality.

Why are people mean to me?

I know that there’s a lot of trouble in this world, and a lot of people are under a great deal of stress, but sometimes I wonder why everyone has to be so tetchy with me all the time, especially during the festive season, which I love. I was receiving a tutorial in flute-playing from my good friend Stung last night, when all of a sudden he stormed out of the music room, shouting “You freaking llama, how am I supposed to teach you how to play the flute when I have to hold the damn thing and press the freaking buttons for you, while at the same time trying to get you to breathe out! I’ve had enough!” Now, certainly, Stung has a point, and my disability does weigh on my mind constantly. I mean, of course it’s hard for me to play the flute – I only have hooves to work with! For my mind, he could have said it a bit more nicely, that’s all. Is it too much to ask for people not to be mean to me? I wish you all a merry Christmas anyway: Stung, Pixel Mouse, Brad, Quito, Penny and, of course, my master and personal inspiration, Davey Dreamnation. Now, where did that Christmas hamper get to?

Stomach Pumps

Until last night, I had never been inside a hospital for humans. Unfortunatetly for me, there was no other option available when I came down with a serious case of food poisoning over the weekend. There is a veterinary surgery at Camp Davey but our vet, Pixel Mouse, is currently away on holidays, while Stung is left to fend for himself, Brad and of course me, in the lonely confines of our master’s compound (also AWOL, it seems). My fever became worse and the green bile being expelled through my nose became gluck. Stung took decisive action, carrying me to the Camp Davey Casualty ward, where I received proper care for the first time since I got trapped inside a 3D viewer, all those years ago. The nurse performed a stomach pump on me, which managed to clear out most of the ham. I also received a suction pump of my throat, which removed the shards of hambone that had been blocking my airways. I am now on a strictly herbivorous food and lemonade diet.

What’s happening to me?

Davey, I don’t feel well this morning. I know you said not to over-indulge in Christmas ham but how could I help it? The ham-bone was glazed with some delightful honey and cinnamon, which I licked off to my heart’s content. Then what could I do but eat the whole ham, bone and all? I felt sick immediately afterwards but managed to keep it down for a few hours, before I forced myself to eat some grass (how horrid!). I know I have been a bad llama, but now I fear I may have been poisoned, or something. Please tell me I am going to be okay. I can barely bleat. It is lucky for me that my Internet terminal has wheels on it, because otherwise I do not think I would be able to manage the short walk from my compound to the Internet cafe. I have been receiving some strange comments on my blog too, suggesting that various people want me dead. While it is very encouraging to receive comments from some old friends (Chris de Burgh, Julian Lennon, David Lynch – but where’s Peter Styvesant?) I must admit I find it a little unsettling. To top itoff, I decided to do a web search for carnivorous llamas and it seems that there are others like me, out there somewhere. I feel very homesick for my species right now. Dear Davey, please tell me that I am going to be all right, and that this pink and green bile foaming at my nostrils is just a normal part of growing up. Master, where are you?

My Ideal Hamper

Now that I am coming to grips with the English language, I am at last in a position to say that my favourite word is “hamper”. Now, I hope you all know what hamper means – for me, anyway, it means oodles of ham, lashings of cream and piles of neenish tarts, which I love. It also means sandwiches, more sandwiches, cream buns, donuts and cheese. My ideal hamper, therefore, would be a very large one indeed. Fortunately for me, I no longer need to dream of such a hamper, because my master informed me this morning when he let me out of my security compound that this Christmas, in addition to my very own ham bone, I will be receiving a giant hamper, which has been donated by a large corporation. They are apparently trying to woo Davey into agreeing to be the face of their new advertising campaign. Ethical issues notwithstanding, I can inform you that this hamper contains all of the things mentioned above. Unfortunately, it also contains a quiche. Eugh. I shall give that to Quito, if he is still alive on Christmas day. I will be spending the rest of today in a song-writing workshop with Stung, who is a gifted flautist.

Christmas Is In the Air

Did I mention that I am beginning to get very very excited about Christmas? Christmas is my favourite time of the year, because this is when I get to open all the presents that Davey’s fans send him. He is so lucky. He gets presents from all over the world! Like the Goulburn Valley, Greenland, Kirribilli, Denpassar, Molvania and Paris, Texas. It really is a time of great joy at Camp Davey on Christmas morning when the gigantic skip is unloaded! Davey says “Okay Scaramouche, get to it!” Of course, I do need some help, because of my hooves but I am becoming quite adept at ripping the wrapping paper off with my teeth. Last year I got a present from Russell Crowe and his gorgeous wife Danielle! It was a great big water pistol! How exciting!!!


Hello to my many fans around the world. Today I have done very little, as I am resting in preparation for Davey’s massive Christmas party. This is very exciting for me. He has promised me my very own ham bone. I may well be the only carniverous llama in the world. I know what carniverous means now because Davey told me. He said it’s a word for “greedy llamas”. One day, he says, he will tell me what greedy means too. I have a couple of ideas for songs for my new album, but of course I cannot share them with you yet. Okay that’s all for now.


Hello, my name is Scaramouche. Welcome to my world. My master Davey Dreamnation has set up this special blog for me, so that I can share with you my inner thoughts and meditations. I have often wished to express myself through words but as I cannot speak, I have felt very frustrated up until now. However I can sing, and this has been my saving grace. When I sing, my spirit soars. I must say that the special studio Davey has set up for me does make the whole thing a lot easier for me. Today he showed me how to use the special “Cher” button, which transforms my vocals into those of Cher. Technology is amazing, isn’t it? I hope you will enjoy my special home page. I will be trying to put as much stuff on here as I can. In the meantime, enjoy!

Davey declares Scaramouche “dead” after altercation with animal rights protesters

In an apparent attempt to rid himself of the controversy that has plagued him ever since he made the mistake of saying he enjoyed watching the US sitcom “Alf”, Davey Dreamnation has declared his former best friend and interpreter “dead” in an official Camp Davey ceremony.

“Well, the fact is that he’s sick of this whole Scaramouche thing. If you want to know the truth, the freaking llama wasn’t even real. It was a stuffed toy. And real llamas don’t sing, or have orange pelts,” seethed Tori Amos (no relation), Davey’s latest interpreter.

The news is sure to confuse fans of Davey’s comments system, who have become involved in an elaborate ruse whereby they take turns pretending to be the stuffed animal, in the hope that he may one day return to Camp Davey.

“Hee hee!” was all Ms Amos had to say, before being taken back inside the Camp Davey compound.

Internet photos of Scaramouche and Pixel Mouse “storm in a teapcup” says brave-faced Stung

For the second time this week, Wellington was rocked today by a publicity earthquake as news surfaced of compromising photos featuring Davey Dreamnation’s pet llama Scaramouche and the supposed wife of Kiwi pop icon Stung.

According to Auckland-based Internet news site www.suxshooterz.co.nz, the photos, showing Scaramouche and Mouse in the most compromising of positions (including one technically impossible position known as the Photoshop clipper), surfaced only hours after Mouse and Stung returned from their honeymoon in Sao Paolo.

“Well this is just absolute nonsense,” Stung fumed today at reporters gathered outside his Rotorua studio, “so just bugger off, I’ve got an album to record.”

Meanwhile, off the coast of Majorca, Davey Dreamnation laughed at paparazzi circling his fifty foot schooner.

“Ha ha ha! What a complete fool! That Stung is really behind the eight ball. Serves him right for shafting me so severely with that “duets” fraud. All I can say is, he’d better watch his back. There’ll be a few more of these stunts over the next little while, I think you’ll find. Welcome to the information age, Stung.”

Scaramouche: “Scaramouche’s Theme”

DNRC008 | 7″ | 2002 Read more

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