The Police reform (while Stung seethes)

Who was it that said Nero fiddled while Rome burned? Well scrap that, Poindexter, coz The Police have decided to reform and are set to embark on a huge world tour, just in time for the 30th anniversary of Sting’s brain transplant. The tour is even set to include Australasia, and don’t write off the possibility of a new album just yet.

All of which has left our resident vocal coach and singer in his own right, Stung, suitably seething. In fact, he’s seething so hard at the moment that the protestors trying to ram the Japanese whaling ship/factory Nisshin Maru in the Antarctic have called off their attacks and are headed this way, presumably in order to make use of some of that seething fire power.

“If only the Sea Shepherd had rammed the Nisshin Maru during the filming of Matthew Barney’s Drawing Restraint 9 instead,” seethed the Kiwi pop iconoclast, whose bid to soundtrack the American artist’s epically unnecessary three hour film was obviously knocked back in favour of Bjork.

The announcement comes as a double blow for Stung, whose new album, Desert Boot Meets Nose, is due for release any year now. And after the success of Dream of the Blue Pipe Cleaners and Nothing Like the Stung, well, you get the idea: seething, seething, seething.

“Let’s hope Stung has enough willpower left in him to pick up the flute, turn on the Mac Davis and start playing “It’s Hard to be Humble”. Stranger things have happened,” commented an obviously bemused and slightly bloated Scaramouche.

“And who knows, this might just be the impetus for Stung to get back together with The Poultice,” added Maikiki, lead singer and spokesperson for The In Jokes.

Stung denies “swinging” rumours

In a sign that everything is returning to normal in the world, gifted flautist Stung has denied any involvement in group sex activities of any kind. “That’s just despicable,” spluttered Scaramouche today (Tribesco time) after being told of the allegations against his friend, producer and ghostwriter. “Stung has never ever even been invited to a swingers club. I’m not sure who’d have him.” The llama’s comments come on the eve of a major announcement from Davey Dreamnation, who has been keeping a relatively profile ever since the debacle that should have been his “Maple Lanes DP” EP. Sources closer to the now struggling artist admit that Davey’s failure to master the art of FTP has set back his career several seconds. “I think he’s planning a new album,” Scaramouche later admitted, “but I just can’t see how he’s going to top Islands In the Stream of Consciousness.”

Internet photos of Scaramouche and Pixel Mouse “storm in a teapcup” says brave-faced Stung

For the second time this week, Wellington was rocked today by a publicity earthquake as news surfaced of compromising photos featuring Davey Dreamnation’s pet llama Scaramouche and the supposed wife of Kiwi pop icon Stung.

According to Auckland-based Internet news site www.suxshooterz.co.nz, the photos, showing Scaramouche and Mouse in the most compromising of positions (including one technically impossible position known as the Photoshop clipper), surfaced only hours after Mouse and Stung returned from their honeymoon in Sao Paolo.

“Well this is just absolute nonsense,” Stung fumed today at reporters gathered outside his Rotorua studio, “so just bugger off, I’ve got an album to record.”

Meanwhile, off the coast of Majorca, Davey Dreamnation laughed at paparazzi circling his fifty foot schooner.

“Ha ha ha! What a complete fool! That Stung is really behind the eight ball. Serves him right for shafting me so severely with that “duets” fraud. All I can say is, he’d better watch his back. There’ll be a few more of these stunts over the next little while, I think you’ll find. Welcome to the information age, Stung.”